[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

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I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.


You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.


“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]


Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?


Knew a guy who wore a shirt that just said “hentai” to work knowing his boss couldn’t write him up without admitting he knew what hentai is


Her: What do your tattoos mean?

Me: They’re statement pieces. Statement being “I’m an idiot who shouldn’t be in charge of my own body”


My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.


I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.