I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
You Might Also Like
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Knew a guy who wore a shirt that just said “hentai” to work knowing his boss couldn’t write him up without admitting he knew what hentai is
Her: What do your tattoos mean?
Me: They’re statement pieces. Statement being “I’m an idiot who shouldn’t be in charge of my own body”
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
*but for like, an hour*