Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.