Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you