Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
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If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”