Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
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where’s Godzilla when we need him
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids