Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble