Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!