Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

When you’re Kinky but poor

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.