Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

need a new bf mines broken 😐

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.