Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.