Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”

movies are BACK

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.