@Brampersandon_

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

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@Leslie_Annie

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

@heatherlou_

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

@TheHyyyype

[ice fishing]

*pulling on rod* whoa nelly that’s a big ice

@jonnysun

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

@WheelTod

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

@internetluke

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

@Jason_Horton

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

@NintenDom

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

@AnnietheNanny1

It was after lunch, the sun was high and my energy was low, when I told myself I’d just, “rest my eyes,” in my car in the target parking lot. I woke up 6 years later AND IVE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE!