Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
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I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…