Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

“Is it in yet???”

-My ATM, mocking me.

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this