[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Me sliding into hell like
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Still my favourite meme.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco