[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
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Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
SONOFA
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back