Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

And that about sums it up.

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.