Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
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I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.