Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yup.

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

Feel. He’s so soft.

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take