Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
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Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
i prefer mine room temperature.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
and now we wait
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.