Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
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Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?