Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.