date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
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Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough