date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
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When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I…do not understand how electricity works.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!