date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
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ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting