Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

This is so wrong 😂

Me trying to look natural in photos

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

Great acting.. 😂

Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine