Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

can I use a minion as a tampon

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese