Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
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Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Human are so complicated
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator