Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
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[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo