Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
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Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
me and my fake scenarios
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.