Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

This is so me 😂😂

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner