Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

My work here is don’t.

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.