Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.