Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares