Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
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Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL