Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
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“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
no their not
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.