Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?