Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
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My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film