Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
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Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.