Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams

Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair

Oh no

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”