Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
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When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
oh u like geography? name every lake
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.