Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
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If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
and now we wait
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve