Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

#Caturday

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?