date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
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you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
can’t wait til they legalize outside
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can