Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.