date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
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Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Our lord and savoury.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.