date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
You Might Also Like
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.