date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
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Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Me irl
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Many hands make light work
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
the only organized thing in my life is crime
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.