Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.