Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
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6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
bought wrong eggs
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
A huge thanks to the person that did this
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.