Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
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[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
But wait…
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.