Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
You Might Also Like
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
No, you’re not getting it your honor
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Meth is short for Elizameth.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh