date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
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Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Holy crap this is wonderful
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident