date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
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The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I hope it’s French Onion!
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn