date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
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I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Anime is real
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!