Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail

Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.