Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’