date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
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Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?