date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
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Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Good advice.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Check out the legs on this baby
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music