Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

But is it really??

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.