Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
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Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet