Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
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God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.