I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
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“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.