I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
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When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Please do it!
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.