DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
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My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
