Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

My circle of trust is a meatball

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

Your husband’s super cute, is he single?

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.

Tuesday

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.