date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
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My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.