date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
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I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
is it too early for christmas memes
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.