date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
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*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
79.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Lol.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.