Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
cry laughing at this shit
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute