Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.