Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

So many pants.
So little yoga.

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?